Thursday, April 22, 2004

I invented everything

and other people keep getting credit! It's enough to make me sick! For instance, I invented those creepy Japanese body pillows with the velcro-together arms on them so they can hug you. I invented that when I was 7 years old, fer chrissake! And I've been telling people to do this for months. You know I did, too. I sent out probably a dozen e-mails telling people how insanely funny it was. You probably got one and didn't even bother to do it. You probably didn't even read it. And you could have been my witness!
Actually, I came up with it as a sort of a Better Off Dead way of staving off thoughts of doom. I ended up on AltaVista Babelfish on some ridiculous web crawl and I was bawly sad, and I wrote this pathetic, overdone suicide note making fun of how dramatic I was feeling, then I translated it into about a thousand languages and back to English and coughed up a lung laughing about how funny it was. And then I wrote you an e-mail about it. I did too. And somebody else is getting all the credit.
Anyhoo, this is what I put in this time: "Goodbye, cruel world, for no longer will I bow to your useless constraints or hateful punishments!" and after it was translated from English to Japanese to English to Chinese to English to Korean to English to French to English to German to English to Italian to English to Portugese to English to Spanish to English, this is what it said: "If, already the world, that one he is cruel and that one not to arrest the method with the work and the nine joints, this one hates with l interior von Bestrafung dell'ordine, that is useless for you," Ahhhh. The original note went on at greater length and included the phrase, "as if you care! Go fuck yourselves! Love, -kel" Which I reccomend you try, as that's the part that translated so hilarious that I quacked like a duck. Also, you should do this.

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