Thursday, April 22, 2004

I've got a counter now

so I know I'm not the only person on Earth who looks at my blog. Oh, good blog news: mom is springing for the new computer, so lots of superfun pictures are soon to be uploading. Yaayyyy. Also, if you are actually reading my blog (I'm blushing!) you should join Myspace because the other half of my severely bi-polar, borderline-personality-disorder blog meat is there, and you have to belong to see it. And, if you ask me to, we can be friends. And I'm really vain and I want you to read every slippery word that comes slithering out of my brain. Even though I may not know you.
Ehhmmmmghhhh. Okay. Now that the creepy blogger-stalking-readers-who-may-or-not-be-there portion of our post is over, I have to tell that I just went on an amazing bike ride. I ride a huge (really, huge. it weighs 50 lbs.) old one-speed beach cruiser with giant knobby sidewalls and huge sweeping handlebars...I'm in love with this bike. And I used it as my sole means of transportation in Austin for two years. That's right, I'm hardcore. Phhhhptt. Anyhoo, one of the cool things about riding a gigantic heavy one-speed bike in Austin is that after a short training period (during which you cry every time you get on the bike for a month) you can power up and down crazy hills using only the immense, scary muscles in your legs. Honestly. There's a small group of people who fear and worship my enormous calves. Being home again, tho, is weird for bike riding because all the land for about 100 square miles is flat as a plate. Which is cool cause you don't have to go up any hills, but sucks because you can't coast down any hills. But today the wind was blowing like crazy and I was exausted from not riding at all for about two months, and forcing my way past the wind was tiring and exilharating. And turning around and riding home with the wind at my back was even better.

I invented everything

and other people keep getting credit! It's enough to make me sick! For instance, I invented those creepy Japanese body pillows with the velcro-together arms on them so they can hug you. I invented that when I was 7 years old, fer chrissake! And I've been telling people to do this for months. You know I did, too. I sent out probably a dozen e-mails telling people how insanely funny it was. You probably got one and didn't even bother to do it. You probably didn't even read it. And you could have been my witness!
Actually, I came up with it as a sort of a Better Off Dead way of staving off thoughts of doom. I ended up on AltaVista Babelfish on some ridiculous web crawl and I was bawly sad, and I wrote this pathetic, overdone suicide note making fun of how dramatic I was feeling, then I translated it into about a thousand languages and back to English and coughed up a lung laughing about how funny it was. And then I wrote you an e-mail about it. I did too. And somebody else is getting all the credit.
Anyhoo, this is what I put in this time: "Goodbye, cruel world, for no longer will I bow to your useless constraints or hateful punishments!" and after it was translated from English to Japanese to English to Chinese to English to Korean to English to French to English to German to English to Italian to English to Portugese to English to Spanish to English, this is what it said: "If, already the world, that one he is cruel and that one not to arrest the method with the work and the nine joints, this one hates with l interior von Bestrafung dell'ordine, that is useless for you," Ahhhh. The original note went on at greater length and included the phrase, "as if you care! Go fuck yourselves! Love, -kel" Which I reccomend you try, as that's the part that translated so hilarious that I quacked like a duck. Also, you should do this.