Saturday, December 24, 2005

My foreign policy

So, I've been re-reading Lies My Teacher Told Me, a book about all the things you never learned about in high-school American History. And I'm on the chapter about where our western society is going (now that we've begun to re-learn where it has come from) and what may lie ahead for humanity. Prior to re-reading this I've re-read An Underground Education and once I'm done I'll re-read Guns, Germs and Steel. I highly recommend each book, for diverse, and ultimately, consonant reasons.

Here's my question. Let's say I'm America. Just me. Little old me, tooling along. I'm the entire country of The United States. If I deal fairly and legally with my neighbors, treating them as I would like them to treat me; if I overlook little foibles of theirs and speak to them frankly about what I wish they would do or not do and let them know that I want them to speak frankly as well, if I talk to them about problems before I let them get to the point where I want authoritarian intervention, if I communicate with them about what is important to me and to the neighborhood; we will have a good relationship, neh?

And perhaps I see that a time of economic want may be creeping up on me? I would surely put something aside to see me through it, so I don't burden my roommates or my family with having to "spot" me so I don't wreck my home and end up homeless, living out of my car. Wouldn't I? I mean, I'm not absolutely and idiot, am I? Or at the very least I'll economize and reduce my spending so I can sort of coast through the bad time.

And perhaps I'm in conflict with someone in my given or chosen family, surely I'll bring it up, talk it out, work it through, and come out on the other side with a stronger and more open relationship. A relationship that will see us through whatever will come ahead.

Or maybe I'll act like the real America. Maybe I'll drink too much every night and scream at or call the cops on my neighbors if they so much as fart loud, and I'll stockpile my "real" necessities while I sponge everything else off of everyone else; maybe I'll wake up with a hangover every morning and hate everyone and be evil to the people who make my life possible and tolerable, and dominate every conversation and sell my future short with intransitive pleasures and maybe I'll burn every bridge I see. Maybe.

Happy Holidays!

Ho, ho, hrrraaaaaggghhhh!
No wonder he's such a right jolly old elf! It has the same effect on me!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Kathey got married!

And I got wasted. The wedding was incredibly sweet and wonderful. As far as I remember I was the only asshole there. Yayy! I'm so incredibly happy for Kathey and Robby that I'll be putting pictures up here as soon as they get back from their honeymoon and I find out where they are on the web. I forgot to ask the wonderful Christine who took the pictures as a wedding gift for them whether she was setting them up a Flickr site for it, but if she doesn't, I will. Yayy! Happy married people! Yayy!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

A note to Travis at H.E.B.

Dear Travis,

Quit it. Quit being so yummy. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job. Wear looser pants or something. Do me a favor and gain 60 pounds. At least quit being so sweet to me. I'm not stalking you, but I am acutely aware of you. In only a semi-friendly way. Who the hell has the right to look that good in black dress slacks and a red shirt!?! I think it's some kind of a violation of my civil rights to have to look at you for six hours while I'm trying to work. I'm calling the ACLU. The ACLU is going to sue you and sue H.E.B. and sue your ass for making my job have a sexually charged and uncomfortable environment. You're going down. Either that, or I'll end up fired and in jail for pushing you down on the floor in the produce cooler and humping you unmercifully. I would try to get you fired, but you're so damn good at your job. Which, I don't know if I mentioned it, but that makes me hot.

Your friend,


Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I'm so very cool

I really am. I'm having the best few days here. If only I could get motivated and do some of the things on my list instead of lying around, thinking about how cool I am, I might even get to feel this way for a while.
What I mean is, my pattern is to have a few really good days, slack off doing nothing but having fun and thinking about my coolness factor, and then reap the horrible consequenses durning the next few days while lying around thinking about what a failure I am and how I never, ever do anything fun or am cool. Yep, you figured it out. I'm nuts. And here's pretty much the whole list of what I wanted to do today:

1. Walk the dog. (partially done)
2. Clean my room. (been "in progress" for weeks)
3. Try to clean out the bathroom drains and get the rocks out of them. (accomplished!)
4. Blog. (we'll see how that turns out in a minute)

Yes, I know. How on Earth can you possibly "partially" walk a dog?!? I don't know. You kind of have to watch me do it. Also, why do I need to get rocks out of my drains? Or, more pertinently, why do I have rocks in my drains? Well, see, they're really spiritual rocks and...Oh, hell, it's really complicated and involves alcohol. They're out, okay?

Anyhoo, why don't you buggers start putting comments? I want you to. (They don't exist, Kel, they're all in your head.) Oh. I guess I'll just go clean my room, then.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Bad hair day

Supercuts Lady: What do you want to do with it today?
Me: What?
SL: Your hair? What do you want?
Me: Well, in three months I want a perfect, glossy swing bob. Today, I just want to not go home and hack it off at the scalp with a pair of kitchen shears.
SL: Oh. Okay.
Me: The last time I felt this way I took care of it myself.
SL: Oh. I can see that.
Me: Stop me before I do it again!
SL: Okay, okay! (snip, snip, snip) This should be better. (snip, snip, snip)
(as to a small, developmentally challenged child) You can flip it out or tuck it behind your ears, okay?
(As to a desperate woman standing on a bridge) And I'm not touching the front--you're almost there! Don't give up!
Me: You have to get rid of the proto-mullet!!! Please, you have to help me!
SL: I'm doing it! Right now. (SNIP, SNIP, SNIP)
(hands mirror, turns chair) How's that?
Me: (big sigh) Oh, I feel so much better all ready! Thank you! Thank you!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

The following things are right out.

I spend most of several days a week, as I've previously mentioned, standing around a grocery store trying to influence the shoppers to experience and buy product. Precisely, I work in several grocery stores all around town, which gives me a good opportunity to see how people dress, at least just for the grocery store. Now, no one will ever accuse me of being a fashion plate, and I'm certainly only going to be deputized to the Fashion Police in the direst of emergencies...something along the lines of Fashion Martial Law. However. I've been noticing a few things that are really trendy right now, and with the students coming back into town the trends are getting bigger and more hamfisted than ever. Hence, I hereby declare the following things absolutely, without fail, mandatorily OUT, right out, and begone from my sight:

1. Gold and silver purses and shoes. Whoever decided that these items would be in this winter is obviously dangerously psychotic. Metallic purses and shoes are tacky, tacky, tacky. Also, they're kind of tacky. There are exactly two kinds of people who can get away with it, so if you're not a crack-whore or an aging, alcoholic drag queen all hopped up on goofballs, please take your trendy new purse and shoes over to Goodwill immediately. Especially you girls carrying the huge spangled shoulder bags that look like you could hide a baby in them. Wearers of metallic shoes with kitten heels (see below) and carrying one of these bags will be shot on sight.

2. There are earrings out there which are not appropriate to be worn with just any outfit. Before you ever leave the house, you must look into a good full-length mirror. Look closely. If the tiny, delicate crystals of your chandelier earrings brush the shoulders of your "Turkey Trot" t-shirt, you must take them off. If the color of said tiny, delicate crystals clashes with your wind shorts, you must remove all jewelry and go back to bed. If said color clashes in a different way with your Tau Delt insignia flip-flops you must beat yourself 'round the head and shoulders with the heaviest pan you can find. Just because you can wear discreet pearls, modest gold hoops, or un-presupposing diamond chips in your ears with any outfit and on any occasion does not mean that the same holds true for all earrings, and especially not for earrings which you bought because of how much they look like the ones so-and-so wore to the Oscars. Idiot.

3. Denim for anything but jeans was never really cool, and it never will be. Those really expensive skirts you're all wearing that are especially frayed and ragged around the horrible bell hemline already when you buy them? They're awful. The cut is awful, the denim color is awful, the pre-frayed him is awful. Stop wearing them. Especially stop wearing them with t-shirts and chandelier earrings and horrible giant spangled gold bags and kitten heels. I'm going to kill one of you eventually if you don't.

4. Kitten heels are stupid. I really love shoes and when I first started to see this style back in stores I was elated and immediately started shopping for the perfect pair. Then I remembered (after trying on approximately 48,000,009 pairs) that kitten heels are dumb looking. The only place they belong is on those silly boudoir shoes with the pink boa around the toe, and the only place those shoes belong is in romantic-comedy movies made before 1972.

Just in case you're reading this and thinking, "She's wrong. I know what she means, but I can carry it off," You're wrong. The only times it's in good taste to do something in such bad taste: if it's really cute; if it's ironic; if it's funny. None of these trends are even deep enough for funny.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Defining moment

I never really grokked "eurotrash" until today. Sure, I had a vague, use-it-in-a-sentence kind of idea. I'd heard it used in context enough times to know I could use it semi-properly, especially if I happened to be drunk, talking to drunks.
Then I saw her. The shoes, first. High-couture, gold brocade with thousands of beads. Pointy-toed like some Italian hallucination of the Arabian Nights. Some sort of trendy skirt and a thick, heavy silk-satin halter top, more beads all over it, the color of weird foreign change just before you over-tip. Her hair was unbelievable--brushed completely forward over her shoulders and curled into perfect ringlets the size of bratwurst. Bigger. Her makeup looked like she'd recently been "done" somewhere that the lipstick cost more than I make a week. I don't even make enough to start talking about her handbag.
And here she was, stalking through the grocery store, screaming at the top of her lungs. A chagrined and possibly frightened young man wearing jeans and a t-shirt followed her, pushing a grocery cart with his head down and his mouth shut. She was screaming at him. In Russian. About limes. It was the only English word that I heard come out of her mouth, and it issued forth in a climbing, growling shriek like the cry of a cornered panther. Then would start again the incomprehensible muttering, the aggrieved whining, the yelling, the screaming, then, "LlllliiiiiiIIIIMMMES!!!!" They were heading towards the produce department, but she would occasionally leave him at the end of an aisle as she stalked down it, still orating, to grab some item and hurl it in the cart. He flinched every time. Once, when she was out of sight (but not sound) I caught his eye and considered offering to call for help, but she scared me too much.
Why is my life so boring? I hardly ever scream at anyone, much less about limes. And never in Russian.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Oh, p.s.

My computer crashed about two days after I wrote
the triumphant "my computer is set up and we're
getting wireless!" post, so it's not ALL my fault.

Liar, liar...

Okay, okay, my pants are duly on fire. I've been promising to post and promising to post and breaking my promises every day. I'm sure no one is reading anymore, but in case you are, I absoloutely swear to stop promising to post. I'll just post whenever I get a bug up my ass and knock out the lying promises part.

So, my wonderful next raise at work is never going to happen (speaking of people who break promises) and the five days a week I was also (liar) promised fell through after about a month, so I'm working less now than I was before I got promised the fantastic raise and full time work. Yayy! (Which is what my boss always says when she's about to tell me that I'm "off for the weekend! Yayy!") So I'm looking for a new job. I haven't told her yet, but I'm going to. I'd like to keep working for her on the weekends only, but if I get a full-time, really really full-time job, she's going to be out of luck. So that's that.

Also, I've been spending lots and lots of time with my new friend Jasper (see previous posts). I've known him for years, on and off, since my roomate met him and his boyfriend...I have no idea how they met, actually. I suck at "Austin geaneology" and I could hardly tell you how I met Jessica, anymore. But I've known him a long time, and we never really hung out at all until I moved in here, right down the street from where he was living at the time. Where he promptly moved out of and ended up spending a lot of time at our house, until he found a new permament place to live. I don't really know how much of his life he wants to see splattered all over my blog, so maybe I should think about going back and changing his name in all the posts. Hmmmmmm.

Anyway, the roomate, who was really his real friend and I was just an acquaintance, ended up being busy most of the time and not being able to hang out with him, and we just started spending more and more time together until we basically started making everyone, including ourselves, sick with it. He's super-fun, and more than that, he helped me remember that I'm super-fun, too. Which is awesome, and he has a great new place, and we're both now able to utter up to ten minutes of conversation without mentioning each others' name even once; there's even whole days where we don't talk on the phone or see each other personally. His new downstairs neighbors (who I've never met, but who he talks to often) have even been persuaded that I'm really not his girlfriend. I may even eventually make a blog entry where I don't mention him.

Anyway, here's to new friends, and old friends, and new jobs, and being able to pay the bills. Yayy!

Sunday, May 29, 2005

New Post

I'm not very imaginitive tonight. I've been drinking beer and talking to my roomate (Jessica) and my neighbor (Jasper) and messing with the dog (Bella) and basically doing the same thing I've been doing since I moved in here at the end of this last January. The only thing is that I've gotten a cost-of-living raise for moving to Austin and a couple of merit raises for doing my job right (practically the first time since I started working outside my family at 18) and am maybe going to get a raise if I start being a "team leader" next week. Plus, I'm working about 30 hours a week now. Yayy! Money rocks!
The down side is that my job is still basically the same, although I went from working in one store in my hometown to working in whatever store I could get hours in here in Austin, to working one tiny store in my old (bad vibe) neighborhood where it's hard to sell anything because everyone who comes in is either 1)Extremely old AND senile AND deaf or 2)A total hippie and only eats granola and yoghurt or 3)Just doesn't want a sample for some reason. This is trying to me because, as some of you may remember, my job consists of standing around a grocery store and handing out samples of things I hope the customers will want to buy, then giving them a (very) short sales pitch about why they should. It's really a fun job, unless some really senile and deaf old lady (or a drunk vagrant) needs you to run over the salient parts of the sales pitch about seven times. Or some hippie mom with three kids needs to berate you for the use of Red Coloring #7 in the product you nearly gave her kids, for 1/2 an hour. Then there are the people who just don't want a sample. I think I'm wearing them down, tho. They're very polite ("No, thank you, ma'am.") but they just don't want to try it. My first demo at my new store was taquitos and popsicles, and I just did queso dip, so it doesn't look good. I mean, who turns down a popsicle or some queso, free? But maybe they just need to get used to me. Since I'll be working 5 days a week in their grocery store, they will. There's already a couple of creepy old people (one with a truly scary wig, which I will talk more about in a later post) who are so used to me they talk to me for hours while I pretend they're invisible.
So anyway, everything is pretty ok. I love my house, I love Jess and Bella, I love talking to Jasper every day or so and seeing or talking to Kathey and Mary every day and doing my job well, so I'm happy. Yayyy! I'll see you tomorrow.

Monday, May 23, 2005

I'm baaaaaaaa-accckkk!

I finally got my computer set up and started making enough money that we could splurge and get high-speed...Yayy! So here I am, actually making a post. My friend Jasper predicted that now that I have a job and a semi-social life (mostly consisting of sitting on my porch with Jasper, smoking and being jaded) and am occasionally leaving the house for totally non-work-related reasons, that I would not regain interest in the blog or need to be interesting and funny for it, since I know actual humans now with which to converse. Which is ridiculous, because the blog always listens raptly and never interrups me. Or thinks I'm silly, or makes a face when I mention I have a blog. Jasper. No, he's really nice and funny and cool and interesting, none of that is true except the 'oh, I'm kindof embarrased for you' face he made upon hearing about the blog.

Anyway, I'm working more and still have no money for various reasons (most of them sold at Pronto), I'm guardedly optimistic about the future and totally done writing for right now, but I'll see you later.

Monday, February 28, 2005

I laughed so hard I crizzied...

Please, please, please go here if you'd like to also.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

I'm so bad about updating...

partially due to the fact that this weekend is when I'm bringing my computer up, meaning I haven't had private access to one all this time. As kind and wonderful as my roomate is, it's hard to spend three hours writing a blog entry just before dawn whilst drunk when you're using the computer one foot from her bed. I know, I know, I can use it while she's at work, I've written lots of entries in the middle of the day, but I just haven't felt like it.
So maybe I'll be writing a lot more in the next little bit, but I've somehow gotten another job (beats me--the only time I ever get a job is if I go into the interview with a "who gives a rip? not mee-ee!" attitude) so maybe I won't. In any case, if there are any incredibly cute people out there who read my blog and are knowledgeable and (I may have mentioned, stone cold foxes) and want to teach me how to use a computer effectively and without using the word "thingy" just send me an e-mail and I'll tell you where to bring the beer. I mean, body. I mean, knowledge.

Actually, all ridiculously overreaching joking aside, I've been in a lull lately (the last three years) where I really don't care if I experience bodily closeness with another human being in my entire life. In fact, I recently had to admonish someone for standing in my personal space, and it came out like a date-rape accusation. I guess that's not totally normal. I have these really incredible dreams about cuddling and such, but the idea of actually laying hand on a fellow person either platonically or erotically, kind of makes me throw up in my mouth a little. Somebody make a comment and tell me that's okay, it's normal and everyone feels this way. Never mind. I'll write more tonight after I get drunk. Which I can't, because I'm on antibiotics (huge infection in the left tonsil), so I'll write more tonight after I get tired but can't sleep and am all cranky.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Okay, okay, so I'm not really writing posts....

but you really couldn't see any new ones for a couple days. It was kind of annoying and then everything got insane for a few days, what with the drinking, and the excessive sleeping, and the watching movies...

I know, I'm a total loser. I'm doing the same thing here as I was doing in my parents' house, to wit: not working enough, spending too much money and drinking too much, and never leaving the house unless forced. I swear by all that's holy I'm going to start going outdoors recreationally if it ever gets warm again (at this point I doubt in a depressive manner that it ever will). Until then, I'm going to lie on the couch and watch movies from my favorite genre (Lovable professional killers. You laugh, you think I'm funny, go to the IMDB and search "Plots" for "professional killer." that's just the tip of the iceberg.) and weep about my total lack of charisma or ability to do anything right. Maybe I'll get back into the swing of writing regularly in the Spring.

Whatever, I'm a puling dope, sorry, I'll be better soon and write more, I'll even forbear making the gloomy comment that it probably won't matter then because I've already lost the interest of whatever sad, lonely people could have had an interest in my dithers and rants, so I'll be back to no one reading me again. No disrespect to my noble readers, I'm just illustrating how gloomy the comment could have been if I'd not forborne making it. Or something. I'll stop now, and start again when I've stopped chanelling Eeyore.

Friday, February 04, 2005

I swear I'm writing. You just can't see the posts.

I wrote a semi-long post day before yesterday, and it won't show up. I can see it when I'm editing inside Blogger but when I look at the blog from outside it 's nowhere to be found. This makes me tired and bored. I wish I knew more about computers and code so I wouldn't be so helpless. I'm going to go outside and play with the dog. Maybe that will fix it. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Long time, no blog.

I know I haven't written in a long time, and I feel bad about it. I've been moving back to Austin and mostly when I get near a computer I've just driven two hours and schlepped a good amount of my worldly goods either into or out of a house, so I usually just want to sleep. But now I've got the greater balance of my stuff out of my folks' house and arranged here, and I'm really happy and ready to write. I've even had some good posts in my head and haven't had the energy to put them on till now.

One thing I wanted to talk about before this is how incredibly moving I still find the fact that anyone reads me at all (you all know who you are). I'll lay off posting for a few weeks and get a few e-mails about it, and that's really incredible to me, but even more so is the occasional offhand remark. The first time I brought a load of stuff up, someone came by the house to visit for a minute, and we were talking about all the bizarre weather lately, and I said, "It snowed a foot at my parents' house!" and she said, "I know, that was insane. I liked the pictures you put up." or something similarly familiar and complimentary, and I kind of almost cried a little. So you guys rock. Every time you read this miasma of whatever, every time you think about it or e-mail or mention it or put on a comment (everyone's invited!) I really feel blessed to have such great friends.

The other thing is that I love my new house. I feel all conflicted about leaving my parents (mom was putting on the "My baby is leaving me, and I'll never have another!" show nearly hourly until I moved out the last of my clothes, and now they're talking about moving out of state next month.)...again, and I'm scared about getting back into the swing of Austin and having enough money and being good enough, but I overall love being here and the house is great, and my housemates are great, and I love being back. Yayy! That's all for right now. Scroll down a little farther and look at the snow pictures again. Hey, and thanks.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005