Monday, August 16, 2004

Uhhhhhhhhhgggg, the Olympics.

I'm so tired of it. I was so tired of it before it even started. I hate all people in multicolored, flag-themed spandex. I wish they only staged them every 40 years. Except then there'd be even more hype. I mean, I know a lot of people love it, and I know they must have a good reason, but I can't fathom it. I don't hate people who like the Olympics, I just can't stand the thing itself.

Earlier I was situationally forced to watch Synchronized Diving. Synchronized. Diving. Did you know that a mistake made in a Synchronized Diving event doesn't count against the team if they both make the same error at the same time? Cause I do, now. I can never un-know it and that spot in my brain is forever used up.

Even the events I don't find completely unsufferable make me insane. I hate all swimming events. They drive me up the wall. I get so tired watching them. And the way the fans yell encouragement just when the contestant's head is above water. That is so cute I just want to disembowel myself.

I can't stand field and track. I think I could get behind the foot races if something was chasing them. "The Gold, Silver and Tinfoil medals go to Ghana, Zimbabwe and U.S.A., unfortunately the French contestant was devoured by the cougar." So even if you don't win a medal, you can say, "Hey, I was faster than that guy. Hey, can I have his shoes? Oh, excuse me, shoe."

Here's the other thing I can't stand: In gymnastics, everybody loves the floor excersizes. To the point that I heard my godmother the other day talking about how the uneven bars were soooo boring. Because she wanted to see all of the fucking-cunt-waving-a-streamer-on-a-stick game. As if the streamer bitch could ever even think about doing the uneven bars.

I think they should be restricted to the original games played in ancient Greece. The only thing I do like about the Olympics is the whole sentiment of "let us put aside our differences and come together as people to compete athletically, leaving our national quarrels and differences outside the arena. I like the idea of ancient peoples leaving their grudges outside and then coming in and throwing javelins around. You know, just like we do today.

I mean, please. I think I'll come up with my own Olympics Drinking Game, tho. Something along the lines of, Every time someone says, "He(she) stuck the landing!" you lock yourself in your bathroom with a twelve pack and a cube of hash.

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